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Yesterday was a hard day.

It started early. I woke up just before 5am from a terrible nightmare in which I couldn't warn my husband that he and our baby were about to be drowned by a nefarious evildoer because someone reprogrammed his number in my cellphone to one that called a nursing home. It sounds completely ridiculous now, but I awoke in a panic, and every time I closed my eyes I would see it again, so I ended up just laying in bed crying for a while.

But then I got up and decided to compulsively scrub my bathroom for a couple hours. Me. Bathroom cleaning. At five o'clock in the morning. Very strange.

It was also very depressing for me, because good god is our house crappy. Two hours of cleaning and the best I could get it to look is dingy.  It's funny, because I am so not a cleaner, and tidy but dingy is normally quite alright with me. But not anymore, I guess. Perhaps nesting has set in after all. But what more could I do? So I took a shower.

Freshly clean with my clean towels in my clean bathroom I am rubbing body oil into my belly to keep it from itching, and the hand towel bar above the counter that is really only very precariously balanced there rather than actually being affixed to the wall spontaneously falls and knocks my bottle of oil everywhere and into my drawer full of hair care implements and I. Just. Lose it.

I sat down, naked and wet, on the edge of the tub, bawling so loud that I woke Kyle in the bedroom, across the hallway through closed doors. So loud that he actually decided to get up and investigate instead of ignoring it and going back to sleep. Which, if you know Kyle, means I was really fucking loud. And I couldn't tell him what was wrong because I could catch my breath between sobs and I couldn't stop crying. Finally, when he got me back to bed, all I could manage was "WE HAVE TO MOVE RIGHT NOW." He assured me that we will move and it will be okay and he would fix the stupid towel rack and I was hysterical because "the lease isn't up until August! I can't put a baby in that bathtub! We can't live here!" Insane.

So yeah. I managed to do a load of laundry, completely scrub my bathroom, take a shower, and have a nervous breakdown all before 8am. And then I had a full day of work ahead of me. Needless to say, I wasn't completely on my A-game. In fact, I felt on the edge of tears for most of the day. My girlfriends have assured me that losing one's shit over something inane like the wrong kind of chicken during pregnancy is totally 100% normal, so I feel a little better. I still don't feel good about our home or how we're going to be able to move when we are scheduled to have a two-week old baby or how we'll be able to afford a place any nicer than the one where we currently reside, but Kyle said he'd worry about it for me, and it seems like I'm better off right now letting him take that responsibility.

This morning brings better news. My sister booked her tickets home from France for the summer, and she'll be back in Seattle on my due date!  And her French boyfriend will be joining her a month later. Now I have two things to look forward to.

Role Model

Okay, can I complain about something perhaps inappropriate for a moment?  How come it seems like nobody I know is any good at birthing?

P.S. 25 weeks

I mean, all my mama-friends are awesome, strong, wonderful women, who researched and planned and prepared and still, I seem to know very few people who have successfully birthed naturally. They all end up laboring for 40+ hours, which leads to hospital transfer, epidural, c-section, NICU or some combination of those things. I don't fault them. I know they did the best they could. But seriously, if they couldn't do it, how am I going to. Little ol' me.

I realize this is a silly thing to bitch about, but I'm starting worry about how I'm not hearing any positive birth experiences, and what if I'm not very tough, and maybe this isn't as easy and natural as I was telling myself and OMG. And clearly I can't talk about this with anyone who would get it, because I would be all," by the way your c-section is totally fucking me up" which is good for nobody because many of them still have not come to terms with it, and I don't want them to feel bad and geez.

But I needed to get that out there. I feel better now.

Via

Stealth cat!

24 Weeks! Fetal Viability! I win! 

I feel like I am getting boring. Pregnancy is still going well. I feel good most of the time, I'm big but not huge. No complications. Etc., etc. I did pull a muscle in my ass, but I'm pretty sure that's just an unrelated annoyance. I don't really have anything else to say about that. Sometimes heartburn wakes me up in the middle of the night and I can't get back to sleep and sometimes it's hard to get up out of a squatting position, and sometimes baby boy kicks me in the cervix, but I think if that's the worst of it, I'm doing pretty great. Still  no stretch marks or swollen ankles or any of that superficial nonsense. I almost feel like I am being cheated out of those experiences, but I suppose I should count my blessings. That said, I can't believe how time is flying. I can't believe it's almost April. I can't believe I'm going to have a baby in less than four months! 

In a couple of weeks we are flying out to Ohio to visit Kyle's friends and family. I am actually quite excited. His family is so awesomely excited for us, so I can't wait to see them all in person for the first time since I've been pregnant. Baby boy will be the first great-grandchild on both sides of his family, so this is, I guess, a really big deal. And there hasn't been a baby in his family for about 6 years now, which for them is a pretty long stretch.  So, yay! In the past I've been a little irritated that so many of our "vacations" end up being to Ohio, since we typically can't afford to take the time off of work/buy plane tickets for more than one destination every year, but right now I want to be surrounded by family and just hang out, which is exactly what I will get to do.

However, Ohio coming up means that baby shower the first is also coming up, and for some reason I am inordinately anxious about baby showers. But I'm all worried that everyone will hate my registry or that all I will get is a metric ton of diapers, even though I want to use cloth, or every single piece of clothing I receive will say some nonsense about how baby is "cute like mommy" and I still won't have any of the things that I actually need like a car seat and a breast pump and ACK! I guess I can't really get upset about those things, even if they all do happen, since I can't demand that anyone buy me a crib or a stroller or whatever, but baby stuff makes me crazy. I'm starting to worry about how in the world we're going to pay for everything, and how much this birth is going to cost, and what are we thinking(!!!) again. I know we'll work it out because we'll have to work it out, but I can't stop myself from regularly hyperventilating about it. Oh well.

Ok. I don't really have anything to tidily wrap up this entry. The end.

Body Talk

Lately I can't get over just how freaking cool the human body is. Specifically the female human body. Specifically specifically MINE. As strange and new as all of the changes of pregnancy are to me, my body makes them so easily and naturally. It is so crazy that this body of mine is all of the sudden bigger and rounder and I can't believe it, but at the same time, I am so comfortable it in.

I have spent a lot of time lately staring at myself in the mirror. Well, I always spend a lot of time staring at myself in the mirror; put a shiny surface near me, I will gaze into it. Always have, always will. But lately this has not been the sort of overly vain navel-gazing that I often partake in. This is pure scientific fascination; it just happens to be with my own form. But really. HOW COOL.  How cool that my body just does this without me having to know what to do.

I'm especially interested in my breasts lately. Besides being small, they've always been, well, immature looking to me.  I had tiny, flat nipples. But lately, holy cow! I'm still not enormous or anything (I upgraded to a B-cup), but they are so much more womanly. My nipples have become larger and more prominent. They look like they mean business. It makes me feel so much more confident about breastfeeding. HOW COOL.

Anyway, me me me, I I I, that is all.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Daddy was able to feel you moving for the first time last night! You've definitely been kicking strongly enough for a while now, but you seems to quiet down every time he puts his hands on my belly. I think maybe you find his touch calming. He has big strong hands, so it's possible.

You kept me up most of the night with your kicking. You are very active these days, and I feel you all the time. As frustrating as it is not to be able to fall asleep, I still love it. I love the constant reminder that you're here with me. I am always thinking about you and talking to you. I hope you can hear me!

You are getting so big! You and me both. I keep being surprised on almost a daily basis by how quickly things are changing, and how fast we are growing. I'm glad that I can see your presence from the outside now, since we won't be able to peek inside again.

I am doing my best to prepare for your arrival. You now have your very own drawer in my dresser, and I am starting to fill out your wardrobe. You are going to be a very well-dressed little boy. Daddy and I got another car, one that is bigger and safer and warmer for you. Next we are going to figure out who is going to take care of you while we go to work. I will miss you when I am working, but I know you will only benefit from having even more people to love you.

Our friends and family are really excited for your arrival, too. Many parties are being planned in your honor, to help  get ready to welcome you to the world. And next month we are all going to Ohio to visit your grandparents and great-grandparents and assorted aunts and uncles and cousins who are all oh-so-excited about you. You will be the very first born of your generation! We will take you there again once you're on the outside, too, so that you can meet everyone face to face.

I can't wait for July and for you to be here! I love you!

Love, Mommy

Week 23

Yesterday was 23 weeks. Yesterday was also my mother's birthday. I spent a very exciting evening with her eating finger foods and doing a puzzle. Not exactly heavy lifting, you know. But then when I got home I was having these horrible cramps. I thought maybe Braxton Hicks? But the hurt, like menstrual cramps, and Dr. Google diagnosed that as BAD NEWS. So I freaked out, obviously.

I called Kyle to COME HOME NOW from wherever he was out with friends because I couldn't handle it on my own at all. I couldn't be sure if it was okay to be worried or if I was being an insane paranoid hypochondriac or what. He was hesitant that I needed him, but when I started sobbing he said he was heading home.

I curled up in bed and cried. Curling up in bed helped with the pain, like it always has with my period, and by the time Kyle got home it had stopped. But I was still a mess and I wasn't sure if I should call and wake someone up in the middle of the night or not but how would I live with myself if anything happened? Kyle called the on call midwife for me and we decided things were probably okay if the cramping had subsided, and to keep an eye on things. But even after being reassured I just could not stop crying.

Today I felt much better after getting a full night's rest, so I went to the zoo with my mom as we had previously planned. We had a good trip. I love the zoo. I hope baby boy will love the zoo, too. Certainly we'll take him there often. But as the day progressed I started getting antsy again, because I hadn't felt him move all day. I wouldn't have been so worried under normal circumstances, but after the cramping episode last night... well I couldn't get it out of my head.

I ended up going to see my midwives after their last appointment of the day. Everything is peachy keen of course, and I'm feeling slightly stupid for being so worried, but I was SO. WORRIED. And while I'm no longer fearing any present danger, I can't shake this cloud that's hanging over me. I just don't know what I would do if something happened. It makes me feel physically ill.

I can't imagine this will get any easier once he is on the outside.

Cute and Tiny

This post will probably seem highly superficial, but for whatever reason this is really important to me: tiny baby stuffs. I've definitely passed some sort of milestone regarding bitty cotton things to clothe my son.

Things were starting to pile up. Gifts, mostly. I had no place for them. So there was a bag on my desk, some stuff on my dresser, a couple things in my underwear drawer, more in an otherwise empty suitcase in the hallway. I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

But I also wasn't yet feeling ready to deal with all the stuff. I don't think I had quite yet come to terms with the fact that in a few short months I'm going to have to be dressing a real live infant. Holy crap. Every time I would look at little sleepers and onsies at the store I would think to myself, "I don't need that." Yeah, pretty sure the exact opposite is true. And yes, I myself have purchased a few things, but impractical stuffs like twee motorcycle sweaters, more for myself than for actually clothing a tiny human.

Things clicked recently. I made the decision a while ago to avoid buying clothes in general because I know we'll be receiving a boat load of gifts, but I let myself go a little crazy, because it was the first time I was really ready to. A five pack of bodysuits helps me come to terms with motherhood, and yes that's silly, but it is what it is, and when I made these recent purchases I felt so much better about things.

However, in adding more stuff to my collection I think I reached my breaking point. Operation Organize had to go into effect. Step one was putting away all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. Talk about depressing. I have one half-filled drawer and a tiny fraction of my closet worth of clothing left. But it is what it is. Newly emptied dresser now has plenty of room for all this nonsense, so it is no longer cluttering up every room of my house or in danger of getting eaten/barfed on by a cat.

And I had a lot of silly hormonal fun going through all my tiny things!

Bunny slippers with rattles in the toes!

French dishes from my sister!

Itty bitty socks!

And now that everything is in one place I can pull things out and sigh to my little heart's desire. So basically, all the time. 

My drawer is surprisingly full already, though. I've got my first of at least four (four!) baby showers coming up in less than a month, and my mom's neighbor has a bunch of hand-me-downs for me to pick up. My mother specifically told me that said hand-me-down batch include two overalls. Because she knows how much I love tiny overalls. Overalls!  But yeah, we're going to have to find a better storage solution very soon.