41

Aaaaand here we are again. I'm overdue. Really overdue. A week, today. I don't know why I thought things would be any different this time, but I did and now I'm bummed because they aren't. Even my midwife was like pffft you won't go that long the second time. But here we are. To be fair, baby still has a couple more days to beat his big brother in punctuality, but at this point I still don't feel like anything is even imminent, and maybe he will turn out to be even more stubborn. Great.

It's interesting how different my feelings are about it this time, though. With Tycho these days past my due date dragged on and on and on forever and I was a miserable mess of tears and hysterics and every moment was an eternity.

This time it's the exact opposite. Time is just flying by. I have no idea how it's already a week past my due date, and it certainly doesn't feel like there is enough time left for me to into labor and have a baby before I hit that all important 42 week deadline. Time is moving too fast for me to have a baby by then. So my panicking is of a different nature. And fortunately, it is more in the background, because hey, I have a three year old, sobbing breakdowns just aren't on my agenda so much right now.


Anyhow. That's the boring boring still pregnant update. Hopefully there is more exciting news soon.

Today

Today is my due date.

I'm actually doing pretty okay. It's almost 10pm and I've made it this far with no tears, which is far greater than I expected.

It helps to have a plan, I think. I knew I needed to keep myself busy today. Fortunately it's Kyle's day off work, so we had a family date after Tycho got home from school. Just brunch and walking around the drizzly, deserted zoo (the best time to go!), but it was a happy thing.

It was for me, but also for Tycho. His world is about to change so much. He only has a few more days (hopefully only a few) to be our one and only. I had hoped to do more fun exciting Tycho things before the baby got here, but life has gotten in the way. The zoo isn't super special, but it was fun and he got to have Mama and Daddy all to himself.

I can't wait to meet my new baby, but I'm also going to miss flying solo with my first.





All photos by the amazing Ashley Vos  as usual.

SCHOOL!

So with all the other excitement going on lately, I totally missed blogging about pretty much the most important thing ever: PRESCHOOL!

It's been a little more than a week now, and so far so good. No, so far, excellent. Easiest transition ever. Even though I was soooo excited for school I was also nervous about how it was going to go over. We haven't ever really left Tycho with anyone that wasn't a close friend or family member, that he already knew well, so sending him off to hang out with strangers... well, who knows how that will go down?

But the Friday before class started we took him to the open house, and he was immediately totally comfortable in the classroom and with his teachers. So Monday morning we cold-turkey-ed it and stuck him on a school bus and sent him on his way.

Crazy! But it was great. Zero tears, easy peasy, and then he was gone. His teacher called me as soon as she stuck him on the bus at the end of the day (the end of the day, ha! 11am), to let me know that he had a great day, zero crying, was on his way back to us. And that was it!

It's very strange, though. We can't get him to tell us anything about his school day once he gets home. I ask him what he ate for snack and he always tells me "cereal and apple juice" which I'm pretty sure is not even close to true and today when he got off the bus he told me alligators were going to eat me, but really I have no idea what happens in the three hours he's gone each day. And I've never had that before. Obviously with two working parents, Tycho has spent a fair amount of time in the care of others, but since it's always been people that are close to us, I've always had a good first hand account of everything that's been going on with him. And now there is a part of his life that belongs just to him and not to me anymore. I'm not sad, but it's new, and it's only going to get bigger as he gets older. That's good, I think, but still. Different.

Dress Rehearsal

So last night I thought I was in labor.

Actually, scratch that. I didn't. I was pretty sure that it wasn't really happening, but my friends and my uterus and my fear of giving birth alone convinced me it might be. But it wasn't. So we had a home birth dress rehearsal of sorts.

I started having contractions around 5 pm. Real ones. Not hard ones, but they were there none-the-less. My best friend of course is out of town shooting a wedding and so it was the worst possible day for me to go into labor. So I park my butt on the couch to rest and hopefully will them to stop. But they don't stop.

I'm hemming and hawing, but updating my friends who are convinced things are really happening even though I'm refusing to even try to time them because I am in denial about the whole thing. Apparently my pain tolerance is not to be trusted because I had an easy labor with Tycho and I get tattooed for four hours while barely even flinching. Okay, I guess. I tell Kyle eventually that he might want to come home from work.

When I finally start timing them they are six, no, four and a half, no, three minutes apart. But still easy. Really really easy. But enough that I would prefer you leave me alone while I deal with them, and close enough together for long enough that... well maybe we should call the midwife?

Long story short, everyone converges on our house. Midwives get there and I say I'm sure when you check it's going to be nothing.... and yeah. Nothing. 1 cm dilated, whoop-de-doo. She says it doesn't seem like a labor cervix. No surprise there. And then everyone packs up and leaves and I feel like an idiot. Drink a bunch of water to calm things down and try to sleep.



So. That happened. It was the worst. I feel like an ass. And I feel even more done being pregnant that I did before, because even though I didn't think it was happening, some tiny little part of me was so excited to meet my baby and I'm sad I still have to wait.



But there is some good here. I feel better now about trusting my gut. I KNEW when I was finally really in labor with Tycho and I KNEW when it was time to head into the birth center even though no one thought I was far enough along. And last night I knew it wasn't time. So my intuition is good. We are going to trust it. No more second guessing myself.

And I feel even better now about my home birth. I've been feeling pretty confident about it for some time (after initially being terribly nervous when we first made an official decision), but envisioning having my baby here felt so right. And my support team that came to help me out felt good. And Tycho was so great and I really think it is the right thing to include him. So we know what we are doing and we are confident and ready and things are going to be a piece of cake when the time really comes, right?

Hopefully it will come soon.

Leaving

So plans seems to have a tendency to change.

As of last Tuesday, I guess, I am on maternity leave. I had planned to work up until the 20th, which will be a couple days before I hit 39 weeks, but I manage to misalign my pubic symphysis, and I'm mostly okay unless I'm doing a lot of walking. But retail, so a lot of walking is practically my job description. So, I'm at home on the couch. I feel... weird about it. On the one hand, it does feel very nice to actually be taking care of myself, and every time I do manage to overdo it, I'm like YEP, RIGHT DECISION.

But it's also anti-climactic. The last day I was at work I left halfway through my shift because I was in too much pain, so it just feels like there is a lack of closure and a bunch of dangling loose ends and such. Too late now, I guess.

So feelings, lots of different ones, but mostly I just feel relieved. And ready to get this show on the road.

Updates, the usual.

Oh poor blog that no one reads!

I swear I mean to post, and maybe probably there have actually been things to post about, but I haven't, and that is lame. I actually really like having the record to go back and look upon, remember things that otherwise would have been forgotten, but to make that possible you have to do the record-taking in the first place.

Baby-prep is the biggest thing happening in my life right now, surprise surprise. It took until a couple of weeks ago for me to even be more than sort of casually aware of my pregnancy, but now I'm 100% pregnant 100% of the time. I am exhausted and cranky and enormous and disagreeable. But it's good that I'm finally able to focus on this, so we can actually be prepared for, you know, the birth and having a newborn and all that.

We are officially officially having a home birth. I'm sooooo excited, I can't even explain. At first I was very on the fence about doing it at home vs. another go at the birth center, but really, this makes much more sense for us. We are stupid far away from the center now that we have bought our house, and it makes sense to have Tycho in his own space and to disrupt him as little as possible. He can be present for as much or as little of the birth stuff as he wants, or if he is asleep when I am in labor we don't have to disturb him or whatever. My mom is officially in charge of keeping him happy during labor, but it will be so much easier if he can be in his own space. Anyway, my birth kit is about 80% assembled, I've reserved my labor tub rental, my mom's been spending my days off from work for me going through baby things and getting my house ready for impending events. We've pushed through most of the big stuff that had been weighing on me, and now I feel nothing but excitement and readiness and let's get this show on the road! I'm 36 weeks today, so another seven days, and baby boy is welcome to show up whenever. Officially my maternity leave isn't starting until September 21, but I wouldn't be adverse to leaving before then.

Tycho is ding great, too. He is excited for the baby, as much as he can be. We've really done everything possible to prepare him for the birth and the new baby, but really there is only so much you can do to prepare a three year old and regardless it's going to be a shock to the system for him. Now that we're closing in on the end I'm feeling a little emotional about the loss of my "only" child. But I'm hoping that in the long run having a brother will be way more awesome than having mommy all to himself.

Compassionate Parenting

Thoughts for tonight...

It can be really hard to have compassion for a tantrumming toddler. Really really hard. When it's been a long day and I'm on my own for the evening and I didn't sleep well last night and I'm very very pregnant and he is working my last nerve. And I do what I am supposed to do and I draw boundaries and dole out consequences... and then what?

He's three. Even if he didn't listen and he misbehaved and a timeout is well and fully deserved does not make his upset at being there invalid. Of course he's upset. And even though I've already had it, maybe it's better for me to just love him through it.

No, I will not back down, and no I'm not reading that book now that you earlier refused because you had your chance at a nice bedtime routine and you blew it, but YES, that is really sad and it's okay to feel sad about it and I'm sorry you're feeling sad and I will sit here with you and hold you until you feel better and we will try again tomorrow.

I could have just thrown my hands up and walked out and closed the door and he would have yelled for a few minutes and then gone to sleep on his own, but this was better for both of us I think. It's so hard when I'm already exhausted to remain calm in the middle of it all and feel with him. His feelings are important because that is how he is learning. And I'm learning, too. And I think we did an okay job with today.