Sensitivity

It had now been three weeks since I last nursed Tycho. And everything is all fucked up. Well, not everything. Just poop. It's gross. It's all the time. It makes bedtime last for hours. I hate it.

I'm guessing a dairy sensitivity. He has, of course, had cow's milk (and yogurt and cheese) in abundance since he turned a year, but I think that my breastmilk kept his digestive system in check, and now without it everything's going haywire. Bummer.

So, it's elimination diet time. Right now we're giving him half cow's milk and half coconut milk to get him used to it, and once he'll take coconut we'll try a week without dairy and see what happens. Hopefully it helps, because I am so tired of being up to my ears in poop. If all seems good we'll try adding cheese and yogurt back in. I hope he can have them, because he loves the shit out of yogurt and I love cheese and don't want to have to hide it from him, because you know that baby's favorite foods are whatever is on mama's plate.

I guess it's not the worst thing that could happen.

Weaned?

We decided to take the plunge. Tycho had been down to nursing once a day in the mornings for a few weeks, sometimes skipping a day entirely because I left for work before he woke up. And that last nursing session was becoming less and less fun for me. I couldn't get him to focus anymore. He'd suck for a minute and then get distracted, but don't you dare put that boob away, mama. Or he would stay latched while doing what I can only describe as baby yoga in my lap. I just felt so. Very. Done.

So we did it. I had to work overnight all week long this week, so it seemed to me like the perfect opportunity. On Sunday morning, while we nursed for the last time (very pleasantly, actually, I might add), I explained that he was a big boy now and after this he wasn't going to nurse anymore and he could have milk in a cup or water or a snack instead. No idea how much actually sunk in, but I feel better doing it. and I'm glad it was a planned thing so I could savor those last moments of our nursing relationship. And then, because I was out so late with work Kyle got up with the baby and let me sleep in. We've let him watch a movie every morning, because that keeps him distracted for a little while, and then once he's been up for a few hours he's fine.

It's been four days. It's been... really easy. Too easy? He has barely even asked and not protested at all when I've said no and my feelings are a little hurt even though this is what I wanted. I've been in a horrible funk and feeling anxious and depressed about nothing, and I'm taking it very personally, and it dawned on my when I was driving home from work this morning at 3 am that I am going through oxytocin withdrawal and OF COURSE I feel like ass. At least I know now that hopefully this dark cloud will pass and I'm not in need of antidepressants again or something. I hope.

Anyway. Weaned. Tycho is weaned. Probably. Weird.

On weaning.

So remember how I was like, maybe I will wean Tycho when I'm in Mexico?


Yeeaaaaah, no.

My mom brought Tycho to pick us up at the airport, and as soon as he saw me he held out his fist to sign milk. I asked if I could have a hug. No, just furious signing to nurse. So I breastfed him in the airport before we could even go home. Not so much weaning.

I'm sooooo ready to  be done, though. I thought I wanted to make it until two and the World Health Organization recommendations, blah blah blah, but right now I'm over it and I totally don't care what the WHO recommends.

We are doing great with the twice a day schedule, so now I am dropping us down to once. We often have once days as it is, if the circumstances are right, but tonight was the first time I've managed to distract him from nursing when I got home from work and I haven't seen him all day, so that's a victory. We actually didn't nurse at all today, because I was leaving just as he woke up, but I'd rather cut out my evening nursing session than the morning one, and why not start today? So I will nurse him in the morning tomorrow, and then not again until Sunday. Hopefully. I have no idea how we will be able to drop that last morning session, but I suppose we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Weaning

Weaning is going... well? I guess I expected it to be a terrible fight, lots of tantrums, and nothing! We nurse twice a day, sometimes only once, and it's not really even been hard. He asks sometimes, but usually I can redirect without too much trouble, or give him a cup of cow's milk or water. Sometimes it's a little bit of a fight, usually before nap time, though, when everything is a fight.

Being that this is easier than I thought it would be I'm seriously considering weaning him for good when Kyle and I leave him with my mom and go to Mexico next month. I feel a little sad about that, but at the same time, I also want to have another baby and I don't want to nurse again, so this trip would be really great timing... I guess we'll have to see how things are going when the time comes.

Little baby dude is growing up. Sigh.

Breastfeeding, 18 months in

I've been meaning to write this post for a while. Maybe not this exact post, as things change all the time, but something about the extended breastfeeding thing, because it certainly is a thing.

I'm so proud that we've made it this far. And I am SO ready to be done. But also not?

Nursing a toddler is such a different thing than when he was a baby. Firstly, he is demanding. He furiously will sign at me for milk, crawl into my lap, yank down my top. But he's also all over the place. It's never JUST nursing anymore. He's looking around, pointing, wiggling, trying to run away while still latched on, driving cars all over my chest, winking at me, demanding to play with my phone, putting his foot on my forehead, giving me a high five, playing peek-a-boo, wiggling, wiggling, WIGGLING.

It's not hard or bad by any means, but it's not exactly going as I imagined, either. Everything I'd heard and read suggested that he would gradually taper off, dropping this nursing session or that one, easy, without us having to work on it no big deal. No big deal, my ass. Tapering off? Ha! My kid loves the boobs. He asks to nurse, oh, all the time. All. The. Time. Typically, on a day I work (and am gone for 10+ hours, mind you) we nurse 5-6 times, on average. Once when he wakes up in the morning. Once, at Ashley's  before I leave for work, again at her house when I arrive to pick him up, once or twice in the evening, and once before bed. Days I'm home, I stopped counting. Add something mid-morning, before and after a nap, random afternoon time, oops I bonked my head, etc. All in all, WAY TOO MUCH.

So I'm weaning. I didn't want it to be something I specifically did, but clearly he's not going to initiate it, so I guess I have to. I don't know if I want to wean him entirely; I really did want to make it until age two, but I would also like to have another baby sometime in the relatively near future, and I don't know if I'm even ovulating yet. I don't know if it's because of nursing or my IUD, or some combination of the two, but I haven't had a period since October 2010, so I'm nervous about that. And should I get pregnant, I can't see myself having any energy left for breastfeeding. And tandem nursing? Totally awesome and inspiring when other people do it. Totally not for me. So. Weaning. Ish.

I've decided just to cold turkey drop us down to twice a day. Once in the morning when he gets up, and once after work/nap/before bed, whatever makes the most sense depending on that day's schedule. We're a couple days in, so far so good.

Kyle and I are going to Mexico without Tycho (!!!) next month, and I am, not entirely seriously, considering weaning him completely while we away for four days. I don't know, I bought a hand pump to help relieve engorgement (Yes, at 18 months I still get engorged. Sigh.), and to keep my supply up, I guess, if that's what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I want to do. It seems really soon, and really kind of mean, since he loves it so much. And I do love it too, even though I'm tired of it. I suppose we'll see how things look when we get to that point.

Sick & Tired

Oh hi blog. We're still not quite settled in our new space. Actually, that's not true. Not quite makes it sound like we're almost in, but really we're not even close. Neither of us have been able to take extra time off of work and I got ill and the baby is needy and nothing is getting done and we're still living in a box jungle.

This past week has been really rough on the mama front for me, too. You know, on top of that whole moving thing. Tycho of course ends up cutting one of his canines right as we are moving in. Some girlfriends warned me that canines are the worst, and they weren't kidding. I swear, it was like 36 hours of near-constant screeching. And nursing and nursing and nursing and nursing. No food, just milk. Which was okay, if annoying, until I got sick, and now I am barely dealing.

A bug was going around at work, and when I started dry-heaving in the shower yesterday morning I knew I hadn't managed to avoid it. And why I was so damn tired the night before. I am lethargic and head-achey and dehydrated and weak and pathetic and I DO NOT WANT TO NURSE YOU AGAIN, CHILD.

Tycho FINALLY caught on to the "milk" sign, and he's been asking to nurse constantly and I want to give him positive reinforcement, but sometimes I have just nothing left to give and I tell him no and he screams and flails and bangs his head on the floor and I give in and let him nurse while I sob because I am sick and exhausted and he is draining me of all of my energy.

I want to be done. I don't really want to be done. I don't know what I want. This is hard.



Anyway. We still don't have real internet at the new house. I am on some freaky free wifi that is probably stealing my soul and/or sensitive information. So expect sporadic posting for a while longer.

siiiiiiigh.

Tycho is napping right now so I am just staring at this picture I took of him earlier and thinking about how perfect and amazing he is. That is all.

The Boob Post

I suppose I should write a post about my experience with breastfeeding, since it's how I spend the majority of my time. In fact, it's what I'm doing right now.

I think I should start off by saying that I am so lucky. This has come easily for me. Tycho is 100% exclusively breastfed, with a bottle of expressed breast milk here and there, but mostly straight from the source. I say this, though, without arrogance, as I've seen my friends struggle with supply and latch and pain and babies that just aren't growing, and I am grateful I haven't been faced with those challenges. For us, this has been very easy, or at least as easy as being a 24-hour-a-day on-demand food source for a (not so) tiny cranky person can be.

Tycho is a grazer. (Like mother, like son.) He eats for short spurts, all the time. It's rare for him to go more than an hour without a snack. I can't say I blame him, as I prefer to eat in much the same way, but between keeping him sated and his diapers dry, I rarely have a stretch of time long enough to do the dishes, much less any more time-consuming chores. Especially since I prioritize showering and my own meals over vacuuming.   So things are crazy right now, and I'm not thrilled about that, but this is such a short time in our lives... Sometimes I do feel resentful that he wants to eat AGAIN, and why can't my husband start lactating and share this burden? But I try to take a deep breath and settle back and enjoy the quiet moment with my son. It's not always easy, and I'm not always successful, but when I can stop myself from trying to reach out beyond our little bubble nursing can be an amazing, beautiful perfection.

We have nursed pretty much everywhere. When babies are hungry, they are hungry, and I try to get out of the house at least three times a week, so Tycho comes with me, and he eats wherever we are. I've nursed him at restaurants, at parks, at the zoo, at family reunions, at the doctor, in the hospital. Airports, airplanes, grocery stores, shopping malls, a birthday party, yoga class, in bed, half asleep. In front of my sister, my parents, my in-laws, my boss, summer daycampers, little old ladies, teenage boys, both mine and my husbands entire extended families. I don't own a nursing cover. I've used a muslin blanket a couple of times when we're outside in direct sunlight, and not for any sense of modesty. (After giving birth, I have none.) And I haven't heard one word about my public display of my breasts, except my father-in-law commenting after the fact on how none of his family members seemed to care. I worried, as I'm not exactly the most discreet, nor do I have any intention of trying to be, but so far I've felt nothing short of complete acceptance and encouragement.

Body issues are common, I'm sure post-partum. In general, I feel pretty good about where I'm at. I can fit into some of my jeans again, however they do look a little different. But my chest challenges me. Back during my pregnancy I had very little breast development, and I was concerned that it would lead to challenges with milk supply later. But oh how wrong I was. Finally I went for a bra-fitting at a local hippie/breastfeeding/cloth diapering/baby wearing store, and wow. I went from a 32A pre-pregnancy, to a 34E. E wasn't even in my boob alphabet. I'm still kind of shocked, to be perfectly honest. So while I can shimmy into pre-baby bottoms, anything on top is just hopeless, as you can probably imagine. And even with cobbling together a new, bigger wardrobe, I find that the style I have cultivated for years simply doesn't flatter my new voluptuous body. Add to that the need to find clothes that allow for easy boob access, and I'm really struggling with my style right now. Considering my career in fashion retail, I find this particularly difficult. Even when I return to work, I still need to have access for pumping. But what I wouldn't give to be able to wear a boat neck dress!

Speaking of returning to work, I go back full time in a month. (I have more than enough thoughts on this for another whole blog post, so let's keep it to breastfeeding.) I'm committed to keeping Tycho on breast milk, for at least his whole first year, and I know that it might be difficult for both of us. We started trying  to introduce a bottle when he was around six weeks, and it's taken until quite recently for him to accept it without a fight. We make sure he has at least one bottle everyday, so that he maintains his bottle-feeding skills, but this is very frustrating for me, more of the milk I am pumping goes to these bottles instead of into my frozen stash. I had quite a bit stored, but before we left town I gave it all to a friend in need, so I've had to start all over again. I'm hoping to have at least 100oz frozen before I go back, and I think I'll get there without too much trouble. I am, though, concerned with being able to keep up with Tycho's demands pumping at work. I do pretty well with the pump, but at home I usually pump from one breast while the baby nurses from the other, and I get a much better letdown than I would by pumping solo. But I'm trying not to worry about it until I actually have a reason to, if at all.

So all in all, breastfeeding is going pretty spectacularly for us, and mostly I like doing it. It's so cool to look at Tycho and be able to say, "I made that."