Cycle Two

I finally got my period after a 45 day cycle. Which doesn't correlate at all with any fertility signs I had. Maybe this was an anovulatory cycle. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I know I said I wasn't going to temp this go 'round, and let things happen "naturally," whatever that means, but I hate not knowing where I am and what's going on. So maybe I'm going to start again? I don't know. I just want to get pregnant and be done with it.

This post is going to be all over the place.

I really think I might be pregnant this time.

I told myself I wouldn't do this. I sad that I was going to wait out my two weeks with out going on about this and over analyzing every hint of a symptom, but I can't hold out any longer. Every other time that I have been in this place, I have been creating symptoms out of thin air, feeling them for just a second and wishing and hoping that they would come back and totally doubting that anything was really happening, but I couldn't let go of the thought that maybe... possibly...

I'm still doubting right now. Fertility friend suggests that I ovulated only last Friday, which would make this a little early for me to be experiencing pregnancy symptoms, but I'm pretty sure that one last low temp was a weird fluke, and that I actually ovulated two days earlier, since that's what would me the most sense considering my cervical fluid, and maybe I am making too much of it, but I had some slight cramping that day that could have been ovulation pain. As it is, if I did indeed ovulate on Wednesday the 20th like I suppose, it was just after I actually managed to have sex. And if that is in fact true, I could expect implantation to occur perhaps a week later, and what do you know but I had some slight cramping Tuesday afternoon.

The idea that I might be feeling implantation did occur to me, as I was sitting there on the toilet at work on my lunch break, but I shrugged it aside, because, as I said, I'm trying very hard not to obsess. But oh, that night. My boobs felt so sore. So much so that when I again was trying to ahem, get down with my hubby I was too distracted to... you know. And they haven't stopped feeling sore since.

I've felt every pregnancy symptom in the book these past few months, but they've all been temporary and fleeting and quite possibly figments of my imagination. But this is real. And oh my god last night when I was getting ready for bed and walked down the stairs without a bra on. Holy hell. I probably look like some freaky perv because I keep touching them to make sure that soreness is still there.

I also told myself that I wouldn't bother Kyle with my neurosis, and that I would let him know if and when I ended up with a positive pregnancy test. But I couldn't help it. I told him last night that I think I might be. Of course, he isn't really interested in discussing the finer details until I'm actually sure, but oh well. And thus, this post, because I have to get this out of my system.

When can I just take a goddamned test? In theory shouldn't it work as soon as I feel symptoms. I don't know. I'm only at the most 8 days post ovulation. Bleck. If I am pregnant, I better get used to waiting. 40 weeks is a long time.

My Stupid Cycle

This is driving me nuts. Here's my chart for my last complete cycle:

My waking times are typically all over the place, and as you can see, so are my temperatures. Also, Fertility Friend is whack, because I'm pretty sure that I actually ovulated somewhere between cycle days 19 and 22, and that my luteal phase isn't 19 days long,  but who knows. (Please ignore the pathetic frequency with which I actually manage to have sex.)

Anyway, in an effort to understand what the hell is going on here, this go round I'm waking up at the same goddamned time every day (4:45 and it suck when it's unecessary, let me tell you) so that I can get an accurate look at things. Here's what I've got so far:

It looks better, I guess. I had some pretty intense cramping on the 17th, which I'm guessing was ovulation pain, but who the fuck knows at this point. Also, what the hell is going on with my cervical fluid. I thought charting was supposed to  help me, but honestly, I don't have a clue what's going on. I really wish I could get pregnant already so I could stop worrying about this shit, but now I'm wondering if the reason my charts are so bizarre is because I have underlying fertility problems. Wouldn't that be just awesome.

I have a couple ovulation predictor kits that BFF gave me because she had them for who knows why and didn't need them, so I think I might use them next cycle, not to help achieve pregnancy, necessarily, but really just to make sure that I am in fact ovulating, and when.

I really hate this shit. Sorry for the TMI.

Okay then

So, according to Fertility Friend today is cycle day 32. Also according to Fertility Friend, today is 19 days past ovulation. But according to Clear Blue Easy, I am not pregnant.

Considering my erratic waking times, and therefor erratic waking temperatures, the simplest explanation is that Fertility Friend mis-estimated my ovulation date, and it happened around five days later than my chart shows. If this is the case, then I'm still 14 DPO, which means my period still should be here by now, and I'm not even feeling any normal premenstrual symptoms yet. If that it the case it also means that I had sex the day preceding ovulation, which means WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHATS GOING ON ANYMORE.

My negative test was actually a couple days ago, so I could in fact be pregnant, just with a later conception date than originally thought, and have I mentioned lately that I hate this whole process.

I need to go purchase some more pregnancy tests. Ick.

I can't get pregnant...

...so I will just write more about work.

I wrote that I was excited about my job and making it into a career and whatever the other day. I am, it's true. I get to do some really cool things. And since we finished construction I've been given the go ahead to get more creative than previously, which is awesome. But lately work has been very trying.

My boss was recently promoted, so now he has his own store to run and he isn't my boss any more. Since I started with my company I have had three different bosses, and five (five!) different general managers. The regional whoever people that are supposed to be replacing him are apparently dragging their feet, because its been a month since they were supposed to start looking, and they don't even seem to be close to hiring anyone. And by the way, a month is forever in retail. So besides that the work that my boss would be doing has to be split amongst me, a couple coworkers, and our GM, two of us haven't had any training on our positions. And since our remodel our store is under the corporate microscope. So, um, stress.

Our general manager burst into tears in the back room today because she apparently feels terrible that me and coworker R get all the bullshit heaped on top of us. It was nice to at least hear that from her, because she is on our asses all the time to move faster and do things better and GET. MORE. DONE., even though I rarely take all my breaks. It's not possible to do any more than we are currently doing, but we are understaffed and under-led and under pressure.

I don't mind the hard work, or even over-working myself for short periods of time when something big or important is going on, but I've been running myself down for the past three or so weeks, and it doesn't really look like our work load is lightening up anytime in the near future. Or like, until mid-January. But what we're doing now is completely unsustainable, and I'm pretty sure all of us on the behind-the-scenes side of my store are venturing into nervous breakdown territory.



In other news, today is cycle day 33. I took a pregnancy test today just to confirm what I already knew... not pregnant. You know, with all that sex I haven't been having. I was doing a really good job temping up until work got all super crazy and my schedule went spastic and charting was impossible, so I don't even have a clue where I am in my cycle. I wouldn't be surprised if I delayed ovulation because of stress and sleep deprivation and what-have-you, but since we're now on the officially trying boat, I really want to, you know, do that. But I am here again, treading water until I can start with a new cycle.



I do have a much needed day off tomorrow. (I do feel a smidge guilty about it, though...) Husband and I are going to take a day trip to Mount Rainier and hike one of the trails and see the views and have a picnic. I've been trying to get him to visit The Mountain with me, oh, only for the last two years. Finally.