Sorry, blog!

Hey friends in my computer. I'm sorry I haven't been attending to your care and feeding. I hope you're still alive in there!

Yeah, so it's been a bit since I've posted. I'm sorry about that, truly. Recently my husband posted this video on his facebook, and it's been making me think. I wanted to share it with you, but I also wanted to add my own thoughts, and I was having a hard time figuring out how to word them. (I know that 20 minutes is a lot of time to ask of a casual blog reader, but I promise this video is super worth it.)






The problems with our education system has been an issue that's long been very important to me. Up until recently, it's been from my perspective as a student. I failed out of high school. And it's not because I'm not intelligent. Because no one would suggest that. In fact, most people assume I did very well in school based on their interactions with me. But I didn't. I am one of those people that schools fail because I don't fit into their mold. I dropped out of college for somewhat of the same reason. I wasn't happy sitting in a chair all day listening to someone blather on about something. I wasn't learning, I was spending the required amount of time sitting in a lecture hall that some administrative professional deemed necessary for me to be educated. But really, most of my real education has happened on my own time, and on my own terms. I love learning, but I hate school.

When I was nineteen I ran for school board in Seattle. (Please do not Google this, because this was a time of a very unfortunate haircut.) There were three different school board races going on at the time (two candidates in each district), but the newspapers lumped all six of us together when discussing the issues. I was the only one who had any interest in challenging the status quo of the school district and the systems in place, while they were all squabbling about petty issues to distract everyone from the real problems.

I had a campaign fund of forty dollars and I was facing a candidate that was backed by a $15,000 political action committee. Needless to say, I didn't win. In fact, the news reported a "landslide" victory for my opponent when he won with 66% of the vote. I, however, think it was pretty amazing that simply based on my voters pamphlet statement (because like hell did I do any advertising) that I was able to garner so many votes. I was blown away. And I can promise you it was because I was actually saying something different. And it truly resounded with an amazingly large amount of people.


Anyway, I've now started thinking about education not just from my experience as a student, but also from the perspective of a future parent. Yes, I realize that I am many years away from having to deal with my children's entrance into the public education system, but still, its something that I think about. Actually, it's something that scares me. Neither Kyle or I did exceptionally well at school. We both succeeded because we are very smart, and that allowed us to get around the fact that the system wasn't made for people like us. But I'm worried that our children will also be people like us, and that possibly they won't be so lucky.

I don't know what the answer is. Oftentimes that scares me. Radical change, especially on the scale of something as big as the public education system is monumental. I don't even know where do start. But I do know from my experience as a school board candidate years ago that people are ready and open to change.

Kitty.

Maybe this is silly, but my cats make me want to have babies. I mean, clearly, I want to have babies anyway, but ...

This morning the bunny cat, who normally doesn't even like me that much was mewing and beeping and jumped up into bed and cuddled and nuzzled and generally loved me and it was amazing. And all I could think about was how much more amazing it will be when I have a baby in bed with me, cuddling and nuzzling and generally loving me.

Sometimes Kyle will baby-talk to the kitties, cradling them in his arms, and all I can do is picture him cradling a baby, and that image of big burly manly man holding a teeny tiny baby is just irresistible.

This has probably nothing to do with my cats in particular, and has more to do with my ability to relate anything and everything in my life back to babies. Every nap I take I imagine taking it with a baby asleep on my chest. I see everything through the eyes of my future toddler, from butterflies to bus rides. Work kills me. Merchandising baby clothing for a living means that every mannequin I dress I am creating outfits for my child.

I need a life. Or a baby.

I spoke too soon.

Immediately after my last post my period showed up. (As an aside, I so cannot get on board with this whole "Aunt Flo" euphemism.) So now I am crampy and cranky and still nauseous. And I have headache, but that's not likely related. I am happy that I am back to knowing what is going on again, but I am less than thrilled to start another round of the waiting game. I'd like to get this show on the road, and start waiting for new and exciting things, like midwife appointments and heartbeats and you know, a real, live baby. But right now we're in a holding pattern of waiting for ovulation, waiting for period. I'm bored.

Okay then

So, according to Fertility Friend today is cycle day 32. Also according to Fertility Friend, today is 19 days past ovulation. But according to Clear Blue Easy, I am not pregnant.

Considering my erratic waking times, and therefor erratic waking temperatures, the simplest explanation is that Fertility Friend mis-estimated my ovulation date, and it happened around five days later than my chart shows. If this is the case, then I'm still 14 DPO, which means my period still should be here by now, and I'm not even feeling any normal premenstrual symptoms yet. If that it the case it also means that I had sex the day preceding ovulation, which means WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHATS GOING ON ANYMORE.

My negative test was actually a couple days ago, so I could in fact be pregnant, just with a later conception date than originally thought, and have I mentioned lately that I hate this whole process.

I need to go purchase some more pregnancy tests. Ick.

Happiness

This is probably too sappy and gushy for anyone to enjoy reading, but I need to put it somewhere.

I am really happy.

It's kind of amazing.  And it's a wonderful background happy. A nothing particularly awesome happened today, but I still feel great, kind of happy. A work is totally stressful and I have to work overtime and I barely get to see my husband and my house is a certified disaster zone but I still can't stop smiling kind of happy. Happy.

Happiness that doesn't depend on things going my way (or at least not terribly wrong) is kind of new for me. I have a tendency to let the day to day bullshit stress me out and take over. I tend to take my work drama home with me, and let it consume my thoughts and often times my conversations with Kyle. Little things like dust bunnies and dirty laundry in my environment can create a huge black cloud over my day.  I usually have many happy instances, but the overall background mood is morose, or at least apathetic.  But lately, even though things have been average at best, I am feeling freaking amazing.

It totally doesn't matter when my boss's chronic health issues cause her to have a nervous breakdown at work. I take charge and do what I need to do to keep things moving. And it doesn't matter that I spent over two hours stuck in traffic today. I just turn up the volume and rock out to Todd Rundgren and the Backstreet Boys while other drivers laugh at me.



Also, I am super in love with Kyle. Always, but especially lately. We aren't seeing a lot of each other these days because we both have tons of work commitments, but he has been super sweet. He doesn't make a lot of grand gestures, but the little everyday things he does totally make me swoon. Like making me dinner and leaving it in the fridge for me even though he won't be home to eat it.

This is probably ridiculous, but at least once every day he'll do something sweet, or say something nice, or even just send me a MMS of the bunny cat hiding inside a paper grocery bag, and I'll think to myself, "I really should marry him." And then I remember that we are married and it makes me so happy.



In other news, it's 14 DPO, and there are no signs of impending period. No pregnancy symptoms either, except for morning nausea, but that's been a constant for me since I was a teenager. But maybe... just maybe... even though we didn't have a lot of success with the "trying" this go 'round.... maybe? We could be one of those cautionary tales for middle school sex education about why pulling out is ineffective birth control. We'll see.

Sisters

 

Annika and I at my engagement party

So, advance apologies for this way too long post with far too many photos, but this is highly necessary. My baby sister and my best friend, Annika, moved to France on Tuesday. Yes, you heard me right, France. She graduated this spring with a degree in French and International Studies, and she has a job now in Angers, the same city she lived in for study abroad two years ago.

I miss her already. Even though we haven't even lived in the same state for four years now, and even though we've done this before when she was doing her study abroad, this is just tough. She's really moved there. She bought a one way plane ticket! I talked to her this morning on Skype and she already has an apartment. My baby sister is all grown up.

Sweetness

According to my mother, I was not super happy about getting a sister in the first place. I once told her that if Annika had never been born, I would have gotten all the attention.

On our way to summer camp

We didn't always get along super well, especially in our teen years. If our lives had been a bad teen movie I would have been the outcast freak and she would have been the popular goody two shoes. We clashed a lot, but every once in a while when we let our guards down we would have a really good time together. It was just a taste of what was to come.

Once I left home for college things got so much better. We got over the boxes we had put ourselves into, and got to know each other as adults. She became my very best friend. We are very different, yet so alike. I think that though we have different skills and interests, our brains are wired in the same (very strange) way. We really get each other. Most of the time when we hang out we finish each other's sentences and then end up tangled up together on the floor laughing, with no idea how we got there.

At my wedding

We have chosen very different paths in life. I am a college drop out. I married young and I am trying to get knocked up and start my family. My sister is very driven. She graduated from college (where she had an academic scholarship) as a member of an honor society with a double major. She wants to have an important successful career. She is moving to freaking France! She plans to get married and have a family, but someday, in the distant future. Even though we're doing different things, we're very supportive of each other. She is really excited to be an aunt someday soon.

Dressed up for a Todd Rundgren concert

In Disneyland this past spring

I will miss being able to call her whenever I want, or being able to take a weekend to pay her a visit. But I'm so excited for her to have this opportunity. And fortunately, for Christmas this year, my parents are taking Kyle and I to France to visit her for a week. I can't wait to see her in her element. 

In a Eugene bar, celebrating her college graduation

To bring this back to my blogging purpose, my sister is the reason why I am definitely going to have more than one child. I can't imagine my life without her, and knowing the wonderful experience I've shared with her, I truly believe that the best gift I could give my child is a sibling. I know that my kids may not end up best friends like Annika and I, but I want to give them the opportunity to have someone like her. She understands me in a way that no one else I have ever met, and in a way I don't think anyone else ever could. Amazing.

With our friends (and a drag queen!) at her going away party last week

Family

When I think of my family I still mostly tend to think of my parents and my sister. The people that have always been my family. My family, where I didn't have a choice in the matter. I love my blood family. They are odd in the same ways I am. We understand each other. We have a great time together, in ways I've never experienced with anyone else.

I've been married for over two years now, and I'm only really beginning to think of Kyle as my primary family. It helps now, that we've eschewed roommates, and live just the two of us (well, five, if you count the cats). And I guess I've been thinking more lately about the family we will build together. It still feels weird to me, though, to have family that I chose. My parents have always been my parents. My sister just showed up without me having much say in the matter. Kyle, I picked out. I fought for this, really. We found each other from across a continent, and we've made it through cross-country moves, and break-ups. That has not been what family meant to me. But I'm finally getting used to this new definition.



Things have been tough for my family lately. Money has been tight, with Kyle's new job situation and the cat needing surgery unexpectedly. The nice thing, though, is that money woes seem to bring us closer together. We had a problem this past week with my paycheck going through. And a student loan payment that Kyle remembered at the last minute leaves us with about fifty cents in the checking account until my check clears. But somehow, paying for gas ant toilet paper with the roll of quarters we had set aside for laundry, and watching an illegally downloaded copy of The Last Starfighter was the perfect way to spend my Saturday night. It didn't hurt that Kyle surprised me with Chicken Parmesan when I got home from work.

This weekend I have confirmed that I really did pick the right family for myself, and that we'll grow it, eventually, and when we do, everything will be okay.